Toys for twats: Xmas at The Men's Club

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'Tis the season of giving ... and receiving lap dances apparently.

Every year, for the past 10 years, a group of gentlemen I know all congregate over the holidays at a gentlemen’s club for Operation X-mas Child — putting the X in X-mas.

At this “Toys for Twats” charity function, they bring gifts to donate to strippers who may have it rough. Depending on what club they're working at, some even have to pay to come to work strip shifts there, I’ve learned recently. Anyone who has to pay to work deserves donations.

Being a philanthropist (and one of the boys), I got an invite to this charity function held yesterday afternoon at the highly holiday festive Men’s Club. And shockingly, I was the only girl there … well, the only girl wearing clothes, at least. But there weren’t many without them either. In fact, there were so few strippers there I felt bad and offered to do a dance for the guys — the choreographed hip-hop routine I did for the TopCats at the CIAA tournament, that is.

Apparently there aren’t a lot of strippers on duty at 3 p.m. in the afternoon. You can find several on duty at t 3 a.m., on the other hand, when they’re serving a buffet of tits and grits. But this particular afternoon, there were quite a few guys there in addition to the group of 10 I was with. It was so bad (or not bad, rather) we had to relocate to Uptown Cabaret, where they charge $3 for tap water. Really? That’s three singles they’re depriving the strippers of. I felt inclined to go refill my cup in the bathroom faucet — that oughta show them.

But before we left The Men’s Club we donated our toys to the actual “Toys for Tots” box in the lobby – with the exception of the sex toys the guys got the strippers and one teddy bear, Wooly. He was the award for the best stripper. (What’s a Christmas party without a little dance-off?) Too bad there were no girls to dance for them … I’m the only one who got an offer at the Men’s Club. True story. But I was too busy stuffing my face with a filet mignon sandwich to accept.

On a side note, to the DJs at The Men’s Club:  Why would you play "Holiday" by Madonna? … you can't strip to that! You had the poor girl on stage throwing her arms around like an '80s pop star. I almost expected her to have an '80s bush.

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