A lesson in 'old head' game

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"What's your story baby? For real, not the stuff you tell these other n*ggas..."

I was more surprised than the woman this was actually whispered to at a semi-upscale birthday party I went to recently. But I soon realized this was just another lesson in "old head" game.

How can you spot "an old head"? It's a little more complex than looking for Ed Hardy stragglers who two-step to every song. Completely ignoring just the old, creepy guys at the bar making references to things that predate your birth sometimes by decades, I, personally, break them down into five major categories and, ironically, I've seen all of them recently in Charlotte party spots.

Daddy Warbucks

In my mind, this guy was a lame in high school but used that scorn to power his successful climb up the corporate ladder, and now, the girls he couldn't get when he was 21, he'll buy the affection of their daughters. He's so quick to flash cash or plastic, it screams desperation — but the women benefiting from his eagerness to impress them aren't bitching. They'll run his tab up and leave with a dude that didn't buy them shit.

Dance Fever

There are two versions of this guy. There's the one who's embarrassingly bad but nonetheless committed to dancing to every song — he's usually dressed like the era he came of age in, in this case, the House Party 1, Martin Seasons 1 and 2 era — and is the living definition of the anti-poon with his over-energetic dance moves and advances. The other version is a little more suave. He also doesn't need an excuse to cut a rug. It can be Earth, Wind & Fire or Wacka Flocka Flame; either way, he's on the dance floor and really good. He's going to smoothly grab any woman in the vicinity, pull her out on the floor and get in a song or two. The advantage he has over the young dudes: He knows not to dance with that one girl all night. He ends his run with a chivalrous, "thank you," then walks to the bar. I can dig it Class of '87, I can dig it.

Seasoned Game Spitter

Not to be confused with the old man making awkward passes at the bar, this guy is a pro. His sense of humor, conversation starters, image and style have been impeccably crafted over decades of scooping women at the bar.

Forever Young

Pretty self explanatory. This guy is grasping to every bit of youth he has left. Whether it's wearing "what the kids wear" or blindly ignoring the fact that his 50-year-old physique isn't exactly what designers had in mind when they thought about the cut of those jeans. He's tries to stay as current as possible, which is cool enough, but every time he brings up "seeing that young cat" on 106 & Park, all you can think is, I stopped watching 106 & Park in high school.

Confident Coug

There's no rule saying that oldheads are exclusive to men. Confident Cougs are the women who may be committed to the single life or hot divorcees that are at times jarringly upfront but also admirable aggressive. They don't need to see ID — they know you're old enough drink and that's old enough for them. You may be rough around the edges but they have the bank account and keen eye for fashion to fix you up. Let's just hope you don't end up dressing like Forever Young.

Seasoned Game Spitter

Not to be confused with the old man making awkward passes at the bar, this guy is a pro. His sense of humor, conversation starters, image and style have been impeccably crafted over decades of scooping women at the bar.

Forever Young

Pretty self explanatory. This guy is grasping to every bit of youth he has left. Whether it's wearing "what the kids wear" or blindly ignoring the fact that his 50-year-old physique isn't exactly what designers had in mind when they thought about the cut of those jeans. He's tries to stay as current as possible, which is cool enough, but every time he brings up "seeing that young cat" on 106 & Park, all you can think is, I stopped watching 106 & Park in high school.

Confident Coug

There's no rule saying that oldheads are exclusive to men. Confident Cougs are the women who may be committed to the single life or hot divorcees that are at times jarringly upfront but also admirable aggressive. They don't need to see ID — they know you're old enough drink and that's old enough for them. You may be rough around the edges but they have the bank account and keen eye for fashion to fix you up. Let's just hope you don't end up dressing like Forever Young.

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