I'm sick of the bullshit airport security stories currently gobbling up headline space in newspapers across the country. People are worried about body scans because of radiation, they're worried about someone touching their naughty regions, they're worried about images of their tubby bodies being seen by strangers.

To all of this, I say: Shut the fuck up.

1: If getting felt up by a stranger makes for a safe flight, I will gladly offer my freakishly large tatas for the safety of my fellow passengers. You're welcome.

2: Have you seen the lines at airport security? Are you really so full of yourself that you believe a body scan watcher gives a flying shit about your body? Get over yourself. You will be one of thousands. Unless you're a super model or a super hunk, your budgy chunks will likely go unnoticed.

3: You've probably had x-rays inspected by a total stranger on more than one occasion for health reasons. Try thinking of dying in an exploding plane as a health issue and walk through the damn scanner.

4: No one cares about your naughty regions but you. Got it?

5: Yeah, frequent fliers will be exposed to more groping and scanning than most. If they don't like it, they should try not being frequent fliers. Take the train. Get a new job. Move closer to your family. Travel within your region, by car. But don't compromise everyone else's security because of your privileged, jet-setting lifestyle. You would have to go through a body scanner more than 1,000 times per year, according to the government and independent experts, for the radiation to harm you. If you're flying that frequently, you're part of a much larger problem than airport security.

6: To my media friends: Stop exacerbating non-stories. Get out of your offices and go find new, more meaningful stories that might actually make a positive difference in our world.

In this video, "How to survive an airplane crash," note that being a selfish prick or puritanical prude are not mentioned:

Rhiannon "Rhi" Bowman is an independent journalist who contributes snarky commentary on Creative Loafing's CLog blog four days a week in addition to writing for several other local media organizations. To learn more, click the links or follow Rhi on Twitter.