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Three's Company

The new "Holy Grail" of sex

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My friends talk about guy/girl/girl threesomes all the time, 'cause they're the "Holy Grail" of sex for us straight guys. How do I get my girl to agree to a threesome, 'cause she said "No way," but I still want to experience two girls at once before I die? And is it OK to cheat to fulfill this need?

Seeking Holy Ass Grail

"Threesomes are undoubtedly the new 'Holy Grail' of sex," says Vicki Vantoch, author of The Threesome Handbook: A Practical Guide to Sleeping with Three (Thunder's Mouth Press). "Most people have either had a three-way or thought about it. Yes, even women. A recent ABC poll ranked threesomes as the most popular fantasy in America." (Outside of America, of course, the most popular fantasy begins with at least one engine falling off of Air Force One.)

"If SHAG's girlfriend is game," says Vantoch, "he has to recruit a third. He can meet tri-curious women just about everywhere. (One couple I interviewed gets it on with their kid's kindergarten teacher.) But until he masters the three-way pickup, SHAG might want to try some of the easier meeting spots: Internet personals -- including alternative lifestyle personals (www.lifestylelounge.com), polyamory events/personals (www.polymatchmaker.com), or erotic parties."

And if his girlfriend isn't game?

"Try exploring threesome fantasies in the bedroom," advises Vantoch. "If SHAG starts telling his girlfriend about hot three-way action when she's really turned on, and he does it often enough, his girlfriend may develop a positive association between threesomes and orgasms." That or she'll dump your ass -- but, hey, no risk, no getting rimmed and blown at the same time.

"He might also break out some threesome-centric films: Think Summer Lovers or Henry & June. If SHAG paves the way patiently, his girlfriend might discover her own three-way turn-on."

Assuming that happens, SHAG, and assuming it happens before you die of old age, you can now broach the subject outside the bedroom. "He should bring it up when his relationship feels solid and satisfying -- not when they're bored or annoyed with each other," Vantoch adds. "Let her know that she's in the driver's seat: She would make the rules, choose the third, and you would agree to whatever limits she sets."

As for cheating, Vantoch is against it. "Cheating is cheating. I'm guessing SHAG's girlfriend wouldn't be more forgiving because he cheated on her with two women, instead of just one."

My boyfriend and I found a guy who is bi like us and have played with him a couple of times. But now, when we're all hanging out and things start to move in a threesome direction, he makes an excuse and leaves. How do we get back to the hot threesomes?

Wants Hot Action Again

"Maybe your bi third has been suddenly overwhelmed by gay shame or Catholic guilt," says Vantoch. "Who knows?" Your bi third is the only one who knows, WHAA, and you'll have to ask him. "If you're going to make threesomes a habit," says Vantoch, "you've got to get comfortable talking about this stuff. Take him out for coffee and lay it out for him." And if he isn't interested? "Don't despair," urges Vantoch. "There are plenty of tri-curious fish in the sea."

(There's more advice from Vantoch for the tri-curious at www.thestranger.com/savage/morethreesomes. And you can learn more about her book, The Threesome Handbook, at www.threesomehandbook.com.)

After reading the letter from the girl who was "shocked and amazed" that people have a swim-cap fetish (CL, Oct. 10), I recall that it was quite common in certain bondage publications of the '70s and '80s. It's nothing new.

MY personal fetish involves the polar opposite. I enjoy wearing thong sandals (I dislike the term "flip-flops") and I like my dates to wear them. (BTW, I'm a straight guy, late 40s.) Sometimes I get a good reaction, but most times, women are resistant. They'd rather wear pumps or wedge heels instead of something comfortable. Could you explain why women would rather wear footwear that will kill their feet and give them bunions instead of cushy thong sandals?

Thong Sandal Lover In Los Angeles

Except for a brief period in my life when I wore them myself, TSLILA, I've never understood the appeal of high heels.

To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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