Archives » News

The Elephant & The Porn Star

comment
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "No matter what they do, the money is going to help elect Republicans to the House." - Carl Forti, communications director of the National Republican Congressional Campaign.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14

Moral relativism, as per the quote above, was embraced by Republicans in Washington, a break from their recent role as the Christian right's sock puppets. On Flag Day in DC, the National Republican Congressional Campaign held a fundraiser at which the party welcomed President Bush as well as the pneumatic porn star Mary Carey. The venue's cleaning crew reported difficulty removing a number of Bibles from tables near where Ms. Carey was sitting. "They musta stuck to all that drool, is all I can figure," said cleaning supervisor Esbert Pearson.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15

Miss USA, Charlotte's own Chelsea Cooley, visited her hometown and showed how much her world travels have broadened her horizons and sophistication. First stop? Bojangle's, as reported on the front page of the daily paper (sigh), for a "Chicken Supremes Combo with seasoned fries, a biscuit, extra honey mustard sauce and a Pepsi."

THURSDAY, JUNE 16

Bank of America announced it will invest $3 billion to buy 9 percent of China Construction Bank, one of that country's largest financial institutions. In turn, the Chinese bank will purchase more than 5,000 laid-off textile workers, to be shipped to Asia to produce BofA T-shirts. Bootleg videos and DVDs of the bank's announcement can be bought at half what you'd pay in the US at bofa-china-boots.com.

FRIDAY, JUNE 17

Mayor Pro Tem Patrick Cannon, apparently feeling freer to speak his mind since dropping out of the mayoral race, blasted Mayor McCrory as "arrogant and pompous," alluded to Councilwoman Patsy Kinsey as a "Democrat in name only," and implicitly endorsed potential Democratic mayoral candidate Becky Carney while ignoring perennial losing candidate Craig Madans. McCrory responded to Cannon's allegations of arrogance and pomposity by raising his sceptre and declaring, "Off with his head."

SATURDAY, JUNE 18

Both true love and bureaucratic idiocy ruled in Rock Hill as firefighter Matt Cooper married Brooke Lowery, the daughter of a city fire department captain, despite having been threatened with the loss of his job. Rock Hill city policy forbids immediate family members and in-laws from working in the same department, and Lowery is expected to be pink-slipped for following his heart. So much for the conservative city of Rock Hill supporting family values.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19

Some kind of big nearby golfing thing ended on Sunday.

MONDAY, JUNE 20

City Council decided to pony up the money for renovation of the former Midtown Square. The project, which has been touted as an upscale, trendy upgrade for the area, will be anchored by a Home Depot.

Another Week Already is a satirical column based on actual news events.

Add a comment