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No point being paranoid about herpes

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I'm herpes-free, but I found out today that my roommate has contracted it. He has a sore but won't see a doctor about it because he says he's embarrassed. We share the same bathroom, so I knew I would have to be diligent about that. But now I am freaking out: Not long after he shared this information, my 7-month-old puppy runs into his room and proceeds to cover my roommate's face in kisses. I've called the vet and my medical provider, and while they both agree that my pup cannot contract the STD, they cannot rule out the pup passing the infection on to me. Please advise. I would like to know how to best handle this situation.

Scared To Death

Wouldn't it be great if being paranoid about contracting herpes was the only way to contract herpes?

Look, STD, lots of people self-diagnose themselves with herpes when all they have is an innocuous little cut or sore near their mouth or genitals. People who are too embarrassed/ridiculous to go see their doctors are highly likely to arrive at a herpes misdiagnosis. So calm the fuck down. Even if your roommate does have herpes, you're not going to get it from sharing a toilet. And you're not going to get it from your damn dog. For his own sake, your roommate shouldn't allow your dog to lick his open sores, and if you're really freaking out about your promiscuously affectionate new dog, well, you can make up your mind to refrain from kissing any animal that drinks out of toilets, licks its own ass, and laps up vomit.

I'm in a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a woman I get along with really well, and I am interested in a real relationship. I know she's open to it, but there's one thing holding me back: She's overweight. And while it doesn't matter to me, it restricts what's possible in bed. Do I talk to her about it? If so, how?

Some Dude

If her weight didn't interfere with a friends-with-benefits arrangement — a purely sexual bargain — why would her weight and the limitations it places on what's possible in bed factor into your decision to take this relationship "to the next level," as the life coaches/douchefags like to say? Don't make the mistake of assuming the choice you face is one between some hypothetical skinny bitch with no restrictions and this big woman who comes with some restrictions. Everyone has their own limits, and only a handful of us wind up in relationships with partners without any restrictions whatsoever.

As for how to talk to her about her weight: Well, based on the furious and furiously defensive mail that pours in whenever the subject of weight comes up, I'd suggest you discuss it through a bulletproof glass partition. Or you could launch that real relationship, move in with her, and, presuming you eat decently and get regular exercise yourself, set an example of the kind of lifestyle choices that will bring down her weight and up her game.

CONFIDENTIAL TO LGBT YOUTH: Please check out the new, improved, expanded, and totally awesome It Gets Better Project site: www.itgetsbetterproject.com. And please don't kill yourself.

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