Death grip be not proud

A lighter touch is required

| July 13, 2012

Here is my question for you, Mr. Savage: My girlfriend and I are sexually active, and I can get an erection in the beginning, a fully hard erection, but a few minutes into intercourse, I start to lose my erection. Intercourse feels amazing, it's just that after a while I start to lose my erection. I can get my erection back if I allow my girlfriend to use her hand on it for a while. And then when I penetrate her again, I lose my erection again. I heard you on TV talk about how a guy shouldn't grip himself too hard when he beats off. I grab it pretty hard, I have to admit, and when my girlfriend uses her hand, I ask her to grab it really hard, too. So I am writing to ask if you think the reason I can't keep an erection during intercourse has something to do with how hard I have her use her hand and how hard I use my hand?

Having A Real Dilemma

Here is my answer for you, Mr. HARD: The way you grip your dick when you beat off? And the way you allow your girlfriend to grip your dick? No more gripping your dick like that, HARD.

From now on, whenever you masturbate, you're going to jerk it with a light touch and few drops of lube. And if you can't come using that lighter touch and a few drops of lube, then you don't come. At least for now.

Basically, HARD, you gotta cut your dick off.

Um, let me rephrase that: You gotta stop serving up the kind of stimulation your dick has come to expect — the death grip — because the only way your dick will ever come to appreciate the subtler and damper sensations that vaginas provide, HARD, is if you give your dick no choice. Give your dick what it's used to, HARD, and your dick will be forever dependent on it. Drive your dick (and yourself) to desperation, and your dick will find new ways to get off.

Your dick will adapt.

You can help your dick adapt faster by stirring some other forms of physical and mental stimulation into the mix. Talk dirty (your biggest sex organ is between your ears), do some nipple play (I'm talking about your nipples), and explore different scenarios that turn you on (girlfriend calls the shots? Do it outside?), all the while experimenting with different positions that might provide you with a slightly snugger fit (girl on top, doggy style, etc.). Good luck!

I'm a happy fiftysomething straight female sub in a D/s relationship. My Dom is my boyfriend; we present as a regular couple. We decided to take a break for several months because of some trust issues. We are now back together. While we were on our break, my adult daughter from my first marriage told me that she was happy we split up because she viewed his behavior toward me as abusive. She based this on my generally deferring to his wishes. In other words, I was behaving as his sub. She believes that I am a brainwashed abused woman who cannot break free of her abuser. She won't have anything to do with him, believing that he is not a good man. If I want to see her and the grandkids, I visit alone. There is no way I am going to tell her that we are D/s, because my private life is none of her business. Also, I don't think that picturing Grandma getting spanked with a leather belt is an image she would want seared in her brain. What can I say to her to reassure her that I am happy and not being abused?

Only Kinky

Sorry, OK, but you made your private life your daughter's business.

You don't have to tell your daughter the whole truth (leave out the leather belt), but you will have to tell her that what she witnessed — you behaving as your boyfriend's sub — was consensual role-play, not abuse. Tell her that it was never your intent to involve her or anyone else in your sex play, you thought your role-play was so subtle that no one else would ever pick up on it, and you're sorry to have to burden her with this info. But you're in a consensual D/s relationship, and what she has interpreted as abuse is just an elaborate, consensual game that you both enjoy. Promise to dial it way, way back from now on.

But you will have to come clean with, and come out to, your daughter — if only to exonerate your boyfriend, who isn't an abuser and shouldn't have to live with that stigma.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE: Make porn! Details on HUMP! — the annual porn festival that I host in Seattle and Portland — are here: www.humpseattle.com. And this year's grand prize is $5,000!

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