I have a problem with a guy I like and his porn habits. I know you've answered a lot of questions about porn, but I don't think you've answered one like mine. The problem is I used to be his porn. I work part-time as a cam girl. He was one of my regular customers. I came to like him as a human being, and he seemed to feel the same about me. This last summer, we actually got a chance to meet in person. It was fucking amazing! Since then, we've continued playing online, although for free now, because it feels unethical to charge someone who I really like. We've also tossed around the idea of another visit. So here's the problem: He's still paying other cam girls, and it makes me upset. I don't mind that he looks at porn, Dan. I don't even mind that he pays for live interactive porn. There are plenty of times when he's horny but I'm asleep (we live in different time zones) or I'm at my other job, and I don't care what he does then. The thing is, I feel I should be the one he plays with when we're both awake and online at the same time. But just as often, when we are both awake and online, he's busy with other cam girls. It makes me feel ignored and neglected.
Am I overreacting? Should I ask to be prioritized over porn? And how can I bring up this subject? I don't want to tell him that he can't jerk off or insist that I have to be at the center of everything he thinks about sexually, but feeling constantly sidelined isn't OK, either. And frankly, it makes me feel like a chump for not charging him anymore.
Clever Acronym Missing
Monitoring this guy's porn habits seems like a waste of time and emotional energy, CAM, considering that he's not your boyfriend, you've only met in person on one occasion, you don't live in the same time zone, and a second meeting is just an idea that's being "tossed around." You're not in a relationship with him and, really, would you wanna be? I'm pro-porn and I'm pro-porn-cam girls, but a guy who invests the amount of time, money and emotional energy in porn that Mr. Not Your Boyfriend does, well, he hardly seems like decent relationship material.
But you've got nothing to lose — literally nothing — so go ahead and ask him to prioritize you over porn, and to prioritize the free porn you're offering him over the porn he's still paying for, and see what he says. If you don't like what you hear, CAM, if he makes it clear that he doesn't feel about you the same way that you feel about him, then you should definitely start charging him again.
My son is 13. After I caught him with porn on his smartphone, I replaced it with a dumb phone and limited his access to the Internet at home. We have talked about desensitization and the oppression of women that occurs with porn. Yet the hormones rage on. He has asked me to buy him a Playboy. I need to play this right. I want him to come to me to talk about sex, but a mom buying her son porn doesn't seem OK. If I don't buy him a magazine, he will seek porn on the non-parent-regulated Internet. If I do purchase porn for him, doesn't that just encourage him to walk the path of porn?
Baffled By Teenaged Boys
If your son wants old-fashioned, pre-Internet porn — do they still publish Playboy? — he can acquire it in the old-fashioned, pre-Internet manner: He can get his ass to a bodega or a convenience store or a truck stop and steal some porn mags. My brothers and I learned important life lessons shoplifting porn when we were your son's age: to be watchful, to seize opportunities and to run like hell.
A girl I worked with introduced me to your podcast a couple of months ago. You must get this e-mail (or variations on it) all the time, but I wanted to say thank you for the Savage Lovecast. It has made me feel a lot more comfortable about some of the things I like to do, consensually, with my loving GGG boy. My girlfriends sometimes turn their noses up at some of the sexual stuff I've tried or mentioned being interested in trying. The calls and guest experts on your podcast make me feel so much more normal, and my boyfriend loves that I've recently become a lot more open about the things I want to do.
I don't have a question, Dan, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you and the tech-savvy at-risk youth do every week.
Eager Nice Girl Living In Scottish Highlands
Thanks for the lovely note, ENGLISH, and tell your boyfriend I said hello. And remember, dear readers, if you're not listening to my weekly podcast — check out our brand-new site at savagelovecast.com — you're not getting your full weekly dose of Savage Love.