Drunk and Armed: A 29-year-old man ate a late-night meal at Midnight Diner last week only to end up losing a friend and a gun. The man told officers that he came to the diner at 3 a.m. with three friends but left one in the car because he was too drunk to come in and was throwing up. When the three men came out of the diner, the drunkard was gone. Before exiting the vehicle, however, he went into the victim's glove box and took his handgun. In an unrelated incident, police seized a shotgun from a man after he pulled it out during an argument with his son. Officers listed alcohol as the man's main incapacity before mentioning he was also elderly, disabled and in poor health.

Woe Is Me: Police reported to an assault call in east Charlotte last week and found a man who had quickly turned himself from a suspect into a victim. A 67-year-old woman told officers the man tried to hit her with a metal pole and was threatening her. Upon hearing that the police were on the way, the man took a bunch of prescription medication in an attempt to end it all before they took him in.

Bamburger: A 51-year-old woman became the first person in Blotter history to be assaulted with a hamburger last week. The woman told officers that a man smashed a piping hot hamburger into her face, leaving visible burn marks around her mouth.

Good View: A 60-year-old woman called police after having issues with a creepy neighbor whom she has apparently dealt with in the past. The woman told officers that she caught the man taking pictures through her window with his cellphone. She had filed a restraining order against him before the incident.

Playground Life: A homeowner in a University Area suburb called police after some kids started getting tough at the local playground. The witness told officers that someone wrote "Crip Life" on the climbing wall and then wrote "wsc" (West Side Crips) on the inside of a slide.

I'll Cut Ya: It seems that people got sick of Christmas pretty quick last year, as immediately following the holiday, reports began pouring in about yard decorations being vandalized or stolen. One woman off of Providence Road received an ominous warning before her inflatables met their fate last week. The woman told officers she received a letter through snail mail from one of her neighbors telling her they did not like the large decorations. The next day, she woke up to find that someone had sliced the yard ornaments, ruining them.

Turn the Tables: A woman was almost assaulted last week for trying to do the right thing. She told officers she drove by a man's house and saw him viciously beating his pit bull in the front yard. When she screamed at the man to stop, he approached her car and tried to punch her through the window.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.